ATTACHMENT STYLE

Sep 17

WHAT IS YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE?

We all have an attachment style that becomes apparent when in a relationship. Our attachment style impacts greatly the way we interact with our partners. From the way we handle our negative emotions and handle conflict to the way we communicate our needs and seek intimacy. Often times, this attachment style is formed from the beliefs we have about ourselves, and the world formed in our childhood often times becomes the filtered lens that we see out of in our adult life.

I know, I know…you are probably thinking to yourself “every therapist wants to learn about my childhood”. There is a reason behind this! Countless studies have shown that there are similarities in the way we behave with our romantic partner as we did with our parents in our childhood. “Famous researchers James Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth independently uncovered that the way we got our needs met when we were little determines the beliefs we hold about what we deserve in love, how others should treat us, and how we should treat others in adulthood” (Benson, 2019). With this being said, this does not mean that your attachment style is solidified. It simply means that it helps to shape your attachment style.

It is biologically wired within us to form attachments. The process of forming these attachments is influenced by life experiences, caregivers when growing up, friendships and our romantic partners. There are three different attachment styles and each one has its own belief system that plays a pretty big role in the relationships we end up in.

Healthy Lovers – Secure Attachment Style

When you have a secure attachment style, you find it easy to be close to other and feel comfortable to depend on others and being depended on. You hardly ever worry about being abandoned and have a positive outlook on yourself and others.

Having these beliefs means that you probably are able to ask for what you need in a relationship and are comfortable asking for clarity.

You feel good enough.

Manipulative Lovers – Anxious Attachment Style

When you have an anxious attachment style, you find it difficult to find others that want to get as close to you as you want with them. You tend to worry about whether or not your partner truly loves you and wants to stay with you.

Having these beliefs means that you probably act in ways that reinforce these beliefs and are afraid your love will scare someone away.

You devalue yourself.

Leave Me Alone – Avoidant Attachment Style

When you have an avoidant attachment style, you find it uncomfortable with being in close emotional relationships. You don’t like to depend on others or have them depend on you because you have this need to feel independent.

Having these beliefs means that you probably have an overly positive self-view and a negative outlook of others and find yourself in an unfulfilling relationship time and time again.

You are afraid to commit.

Typically, we love to be in relationships that confirm our insecurities. What does this mean? Well, secure people usually stay in love with secure people and insecurity stays in love with insecure people. Your attachment style is not set in stone, and you can make your way to having a secure attachment style if you don’t already have it. Sure, it takes work, but it is absolutely worth it. Changing your attachment style requires a change in your beliefs about the way you see yourself and relationships. I can help you with this! A romantic partner who is secure can also help because if you spend enough time in a secure relationship, you’ll become secure yourself.

Written by: Crystin Nichols, MFTI