Repair Attempts
The Secret to Maintaining Connection During Holiday Stress
The holidays can be a joyful time, but they can also test the strength of your relationship. Between family gatherings, financial pressures, and packed schedules, conflicts can arise more frequently than usual. That’s where repair attempts come in. Repair attempts are the lifelines of a healthy relationship—they’re small gestures or statements that help defuse tension, prevent arguments from escalating, and restore connection after a conflict.
In this blog post, we’ll dive into what repair attempts are, how to make them, what they look and sound like, and how to receive them with an open heart—just in time to keep your holidays harmonious and connected.
What Are Repair Attempts?
Repair attempts are intentional efforts made by one or both partners to de-escalate tension during or after a conflict and steer the relationship back toward understanding and connection. These can be words, gestures, or actions aimed at softening the tone, lightening the mood, or showing a willingness to reconnect.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, highlights repair attempts as one of the key factors that distinguish healthy, lasting relationships from those that struggle. Repair attempts don’t necessarily solve the issue at hand, but they pave the way for productive communication and resolution.
Why Repair Attempts Are Important
They De-Escalate Conflict: Repair attempts help cool things down when emotions run high, preventing arguments from spiraling out of control.
They Maintain Emotional Connection: Even in moments of disagreement, repair attempts remind your partner that you value the relationship and want to work through the issue together.
They Build Trust: Consistent repair attempts show that you’re committed to maintaining a healthy, supportive partnership.
They Lead to Faster Resolution: When tension is reduced, both partners are better able to listen, empathize, and problem-solve.
How to Make a Repair Attempt
Making a successful repair attempt involves being intentional, self-aware, and focused on preserving the connection between you and your partner. Here’s how to do it:
1. Pause and Reflect
Before making a repair attempt, take a moment to pause and reflect on your emotions and intentions. Ask yourself:
Am I trying to de-escalate the situation?
What do I want to convey to my partner?
2. Take Responsibility
One of the most effective repair attempts involves taking responsibility for your role in the conflict. This doesn’t mean taking all the blame, but acknowledging your part can go a long way in diffusing tension.
Example:
"I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier. I know that wasn’t helpful."
3. Use Gentle Humor
Humor, when used appropriately, can lighten the mood and reduce the emotional charge of a disagreement. Be mindful that your humor is kind and not sarcastic or dismissive.
Example:
"Okay, so clearly neither of us is winning the Best Communicator award today!"
4. Express Affection
Sometimes, a simple gesture of affection can serve as a powerful repair attempt. A touch on the arm, a hug, or saying "I love you" can remind your partner that the relationship matters more than the disagreement.
Example:
"I know we’re upset right now, but I love you, and I know we can work through this."
5. Shift to Collaboration
Invite your partner to join you in solving the issue as a team. This approach helps turn the focus away from blame and toward a shared goal.
Example:
"This is important to both of us. How can we figure this out together?"
What Repair Attempts Look and Sound Like
Repair attempts can take many forms, depending on your personality and the dynamic of your relationship. Here are some examples:
Verbal Repair Attempts:
Apologizing: "I’m sorry for how I said that. I didn’t mean to hurt you."
Offering reassurance: "We’ve been through harder things than this. We’ll figure it out."
Showing appreciation: "I know you’re trying your best, and I appreciate that."
Asking for a break: "Can we take a breather and come back to this in a little while?"
Expressing love: "I love you, even when we disagree."
Nonverbal Repair Attempts:
A warm smile or soft touch
Offering a hug
Making a lighthearted joke or funny face
Handing your partner their favorite treat or drink as a peace offering
Behavioral Repair Attempts:
Doing something thoughtful, like finishing a chore your partner was stressing over
Writing a note or sending a text to express care and gratitude
Inviting your partner to do something enjoyable together, like watching a holiday movie or taking a walk
How to Receive a Repair Attempt
A repair attempt is only effective if it’s recognized and accepted by the other partner. During moments of tension, it can be easy to dismiss or ignore repair attempts, especially if you’re still feeling hurt or frustrated. However, learning to receive repair attempts with openness and grace is just as important as making them.
1. Recognize the Effort
Be on the lookout for verbal or nonverbal cues that your partner is trying to reconnect. Repair attempts might not always be perfect, but acknowledging the effort can go a long way in maintaining emotional connection.
2. Pause Your Defensiveness
When you’re hurt or angry, it’s natural to feel defensive. However, try to set those feelings aside momentarily to recognize that your partner is trying to repair the connection.
3. Respond Positively
Even a small positive response can encourage more repair attempts in the future. Acknowledge your partner’s effort with a kind word, a smile, or a gesture of affection.
Example:
"Thank you for saying that. I appreciate it."
4. Engage in the Repair Process
Once you’ve recognized and accepted the repair attempt, join your partner in de-escalating the conflict and moving toward resolution.
Example:
"I’m glad we’re talking about this calmly now. Let’s figure out how we can move forward."
Why Repair Attempts Matter During the Holidays
The holidays often come with heightened expectations, extra responsibilities, and family dynamics that can add stress to your relationship. Repair attempts are especially important during this time because they:
Prevent small disagreements from snowballing into major arguments.
Preserve the joy and connection of the holiday season.
Show your partner that your relationship is a priority, even during busy or stressful moments.
Repair attempts are a powerful tool for maintaining connection and resolving conflicts in your relationship, especially during the high-stress holiday season. By learning to recognize and make repair attempts—and by receiving them with an open heart—you can navigate challenges with greater ease and compassion.
This holiday season, prioritize communication, empathy, and small gestures of care to keep your relationship strong and your spirits bright.As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, RMFTI
