When Resolution Isn’t the Goal
How to Navigate Conflicts That Can’t Be Solved
In relationships, we often hear that communication is key and that conflicts should be resolved to maintain harmony. But what if some conflicts don’t have a resolution? The truth is, not all disagreements can be neatly resolved, and that’s okay. What’s important is how couples manage these differences and the understanding and dialogue that can still occur around them. In this blog post, we’ll explore why not all conflicts need to be resolved, how to navigate unresolved issues, and how to foster a healthy relationship despite these differences.
The Myth of Total Resolution
The idea that every conflict in a relationship must be resolved can create unnecessary pressure and stress for couples. The reality is that some conflicts stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or life goals that may never fully align. These are often referred to as perpetual problems, and research shows that the majority of conflicts in long-term relationships fall into this category.
Perpetual problems might include differences in lifestyle preferences (e.g., one partner is neat, while the other is more relaxed about cleanliness), religious beliefs, or even how each partner likes to spend their free time. These issues are often deeply ingrained and tied to each person’s identity, making them difficult—if not impossible—to resolve entirely.
Why Some Conflicts Don’t Need Resolution
The idea of “agreeing to disagree” might sound like a cop-out, but in some cases, it’s a healthy and realistic approach. Here’s why not all conflicts need to be resolved:
1. Respect for Individual Differences
In any relationship, each partner brings their own set of experiences, beliefs, and preferences. These differences contribute to the richness and diversity of the relationship, and trying to force alignment on every issue can stifle individuality. Respecting each other’s differences, even when they lead to conflict, is key to maintaining a healthy relationship.
2. Focus on Understanding Over Agreement
Resolution often implies that one partner must change their stance or that a compromise must be reached. However, the goal doesn’t always have to be agreement. Instead, focusing on understanding your partner’s perspective can lead to a deeper connection, even if you don’t see eye to eye. Understanding fosters empathy, which can be more valuable than agreement in maintaining a strong bond.
3. Avoiding Unnecessary Tension
Pushing for resolution on every conflict can lead to unnecessary tension and frustration. Some issues might not have a clear solution, and forcing the issue can escalate the conflict rather than bringing peace. Learning to live with certain differences can reduce stress and create a more harmonious relationship.
How to Navigate Unresolvable Conflicts
So, how do you handle conflicts that don’t have a clear resolution? Here are some strategies for navigating these situations with grace and understanding:
1. Open a Dialogue, Not a Debate
When dealing with unresolvable conflicts, it’s important to approach the conversation as a dialogue rather than a debate. The goal is not to convince your partner to see things your way, but to share your perspective and listen to theirs. Ask open-ended questions and express curiosity about your partner’s viewpoint. For example, "Can you help me understand why this is important to you?" This approach encourages openness and mutual respect.
2. Validate Each Other’s Feelings
Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s stance, it’s crucial to validate their feelings. Validation involves acknowledging your partner’s emotions and experiences without judgment. You might say, "I can see that this is really important to you, and I respect that, even though I feel differently." Validation helps your partner feel heard and valued, which can diffuse tension and strengthen your connection.
3. Set Boundaries Around the Conflict
For conflicts that are particularly sensitive or difficult to manage, setting boundaries can be helpful. This might involve agreeing on when and how to discuss the issue or deciding to limit how much time you spend on it. For example, you might agree to revisit the conversation every few months rather than letting it dominate your daily interactions. Setting boundaries can prevent the conflict from taking over the relationship and allow you to focus on other aspects of your connection.
4. Agree to Disagree
In some cases, the best approach is to simply agree to disagree. This doesn’t mean sweeping the issue under the rug, but rather acknowledging that you and your partner have different perspectives that may never fully align. The key is to respect each other’s views and find ways to coexist peacefully despite the differences. This approach requires maturity and a willingness to prioritize the relationship over being "right."
5. Focus on What You Can Control
Instead of fixating on the aspects of the conflict that can’t be changed, focus on what you can control—your own reactions and behaviors. For example, if you know a certain topic is a trigger for tension, you can choose to approach it with extra care or decide to steer clear of it during stressful times. By managing your own responses, you can prevent the conflict from escalating and maintain a more positive dynamic in the relationship.
6. Strengthen Other Areas of Your Relationship
Unresolvable conflicts can feel daunting, but they don’t have to define your relationship. Focus on strengthening other areas of your partnership that bring you joy and fulfillment. Invest in quality time together, celebrate each other’s strengths, and nurture the aspects of your relationship that are working well. By building a strong foundation, you can create a resilient relationship that can withstand the challenges of unresolved conflicts.
The Importance of Awareness and Communication
Awareness is crucial when navigating unresolvable conflicts. Both partners need to be aware of the issue, understand its impact on the relationship, and communicate openly about their feelings and needs. Ignoring the conflict or avoiding discussions about it can lead to resentment and emotional distance.
Regular communication about how you’re managing the conflict can also be helpful. Check in with each other periodically to see how you’re both feeling about the issue and whether any adjustments are needed. This ongoing dialogue shows that you’re committed to the relationship and willing to work together, even when resolution isn’t possible.
Not all conflicts in a relationship can or should be resolved, and that’s okay. What matters most is how you handle these differences and whether you can maintain understanding, respect, and open communication despite them. By focusing on dialogue, validation, and mutual respect, you can navigate unresolvable conflicts in a way that strengthens your relationship and allows both partners to feel valued and heard.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, RMFTI
