Contempt: The Relationship Killer You Need to Watch Out For
Be Less Judgy!
When it comes to relationships, certain behaviors can erode the foundation of love and trust more quickly than others. Contempt, often characterized by a mix of anger, disgust, and superiority, is one of the most toxic emotions that can infiltrate a relationship. It’s not just a fleeting feeling—it’s a destructive force that can turn even the strongest bonds brittle. In this blog post, we’ll explore why contempt is so damaging, how it manifests in relationships, and what you can do to be less judgmental and more compassionate with your partner.
What Is Contempt and Why Is It So Harmful?
Contempt goes beyond mere frustration or anger. It’s a form of emotional scorn that conveys disrespect and a sense of superiority. When you feel contempt for someone, you’re essentially saying, "I’m better than you, and you’re beneath me." This attitude can manifest in subtle ways—like eye-rolling, sarcasm, or dismissive body language—or more overtly through name-calling, mocking, or belittling.
Why is contempt so harmful? According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, contempt is the single most significant predictor of divorce. It undermines your partner’s self-esteem, erodes trust, and creates an emotional chasm that can be difficult to bridge. Over time, contempt leads to a cycle of negativity that becomes increasingly hard to break, causing deep wounds that can permanently damage the relationship.
Recognizing Contempt in Your Relationship
Contempt often sneaks into relationships in small, seemingly harmless ways. Here are some signs that contempt may be present in your relationship:
Sarcasm and Mocking: Using sarcasm to belittle your partner’s opinions or ideas, or mocking their actions or words, are classic signs of contempt.
Eye-Rolling and Smirking: Nonverbal cues like eye-rolling, smirking, or sighing dismissively are subtle but powerful indicators of disdain.
Name-Calling and Insults: Referring to your partner with derogatory names or hurling insults during disagreements are overt expressions of contempt.
Dismissiveness: Ignoring your partner’s feelings, concerns, or contributions, or brushing off their emotions as unimportant, shows a lack of respect and empathy.
If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, it’s important to address them immediately. Left unchecked, contempt can spiral into a cycle of negativity that’s hard to escape.
The Root Causes of Contempt
Contempt often stems from unresolved issues or unmet needs in the relationship. It can be the result of long-standing resentment, a lack of respect, or feeling unappreciated. Sometimes, it arises when one partner feels superior to the other, whether intellectually, morally, or in terms of life achievements.
In many cases, contempt is a defense mechanism. When people feel hurt, vulnerable, or powerless, they may use contempt to protect themselves by pushing their partner away or diminishing their partner’s worth. However, this strategy backfires, leading to further disconnection and pain.
How to Be Less Judgy and Cultivate Compassion
To eliminate contempt from your relationship, it’s essential to become less judgmental and more compassionate. Here are some strategies to help you shift your mindset:
1. Practice Empathy Empathy is the antidote to contempt. It involves putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Instead of jumping to conclusions or judgments, take a moment to consider your partner’s perspective. Ask yourself, "How would I feel if I were in their situation?" By practicing empathy, you can replace judgment with understanding and compassion.
2. Focus on Appreciation Regularly expressing appreciation for your partner is a powerful way to combat contempt. Take the time to notice the things your partner does well and acknowledge them. Compliment their efforts, express gratitude for their contributions, and remind yourself of the qualities that drew you to them in the first place. Focusing on the positives can help you see your partner in a more favorable light and reduce feelings of superiority or disdain.
3. Communicate Openly and Honestly Open and honest communication is key to resolving underlying issues that may be fueling contempt. If something is bothering you, address it directly with your partner in a respectful and constructive manner. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example, "I feel hurt when…" instead of "You always…". This approach fosters understanding and reduces the likelihood of contempt building up.
4. Challenge Negative Thoughts When you find yourself having judgmental thoughts about your partner, challenge them. Ask yourself whether these thoughts are based on facts or assumptions. Are you being fair, or are you letting your emotions cloud your judgment? By questioning your own thoughts, you can reframe your thinking and approach your partner with more kindness and understanding.
5. Practice Self-Reflection Contempt often says more about the person feeling it than the target. Take time to reflect on why you might be feeling contemptuous. Are there unresolved issues from your past that are influencing your present behavior? Are you projecting your own insecurities onto your partner? Self-reflection can help you uncover the root causes of your contempt and address them in a healthy way.
Rebuilding Respect and Trust
If contempt has already taken root in your relationship, it’s not too late to turn things around. Rebuilding respect and trust requires effort from both partners, but it’s possible with commitment and open communication.
Apologize and Forgive: If you’ve expressed contempt, apologize sincerely to your partner and commit to making changes. On the other hand, if you’ve been on the receiving end of contempt, consider whether you’re willing to forgive and move forward.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries about how you and your partner will communicate and interact. Agree to avoid behaviors that express contempt, such as sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling.
Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, overcoming contempt requires the guidance of a therapist. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues, improve communication, and rebuild your relationship on a foundation of mutual respect.
Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to be the end. By recognizing the signs of contempt, understanding its root causes, and committing to being less judgmental and more compassionate, you can protect your relationship from its damaging effects. Remember, every relationship requires effort and empathy. By showing up with kindness and understanding, you can foster a loving, respectful partnership that stands the test of time.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, RMFTI
