Understanding the 3 Conflict Styles
Avoidant, Volatile, and Validating—Which One Are You?
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but how we handle it can make all the difference in the health and longevity of our partnerships. Conflict styles, or the typical ways we respond to disagreements, play a crucial role in how we navigate conflicts with our partners. Understanding your conflict style and that of your partner can help you communicate more effectively and resolve issues more harmoniously. In this blog post, we’ll explore the three primary conflict styles—avoidant, volatile, and validating—how to identify your style, and why it’s essential to be aware of both partners’ conflict styles in a relationship.
The Three Conflict Styles
1. Avoidant Conflict Style
The avoidant conflict style is characterized by a tendency to steer clear of disagreements and minimize conflict. People with this style often prefer to keep the peace and may downplay issues or sweep them under the rug rather than confront them directly. While this approach can prevent immediate conflict, it can also lead to unresolved issues and a lack of open communication in the long run.
Signs You May Have an Avoidant Conflict Style:
You often choose not to bring up issues or concerns to avoid potential arguments.
When conflicts arise, you tend to withdraw, become silent, or change the subject.
You prioritize harmony and might suppress your own needs or opinions to avoid confrontation.
You may feel uncomfortable or anxious at the thought of engaging in a disagreement.
Potential Challenges: While avoiding conflict might seem like a way to maintain peace, it can lead to unresolved tensions and a buildup of resentment over time. Important issues may go unaddressed, causing underlying dissatisfaction that can harm the relationship.
2. Volatile Conflict Style
The volatile conflict style is characterized by passionate, intense, and often heated arguments. People with this style are not afraid to express their opinions, even if it leads to a confrontation. Volatile couples tend to engage in lively debates, and while their disagreements can be fiery, they also often experience high levels of affection and reconciliation afterward.
Signs You May Have a Volatile Conflict Style:
You tend to have strong emotional reactions during disagreements and express your feelings openly.
Arguments may escalate quickly, but you are also quick to make up afterward.
You value honest, direct communication and believe in "getting everything out in the open."
You may enjoy the intensity of debates and feel that conflict can be a way to clear the air.
Potential Challenges: While the passion and intensity of this style can lead to quick resolutions, it can also result in frequent, exhausting arguments. If not managed properly, volatile conflict can create a cycle of high drama, which may be draining for both partners.
3. Validating Conflict Style
The validating conflict style is characterized by a more balanced and moderate approach to disagreements. People with this style prioritize understanding and empathy during conflicts. They are willing to listen to their partner’s perspective, express their own feelings calmly, and work toward a mutually agreeable solution.
Signs You May Have a Validating Conflict Style:
You strive to understand your partner’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.
You remain calm and composed during disagreements, focusing on finding common ground.
You use phrases like "I see where you’re coming from" or "Let’s find a solution together."
You believe in the importance of compromise and are willing to negotiate to resolve conflicts.
Potential Challenges: While validating conflict can create a supportive and respectful dynamic, it may sometimes lead to over-compromising, where important issues are not fully addressed, or one partner may feel their needs are consistently being overlooked in favor of harmony.
How to Identify Your Conflict Style
Identifying your conflict style is the first step toward understanding how you navigate disagreements in your relationship. Here are some questions to help you determine which style best describes you:
How do you typically feel when a conflict arises? (Anxious? Energized? Calm?)
What is your instinctual response to disagreements? (Do you avoid, engage intensely, or seek to understand?)
How do you communicate during a conflict? (Do you withdraw, argue passionately, or discuss calmly?)
What are your goals during a conflict? (To avoid tension? To express yourself fully? To find a middle ground?)
Reflect on past disagreements with your partner. Consider how you reacted, how you communicated, and how the conflict was ultimately resolved. This reflection can provide insights into your dominant conflict style.
Why It’s Important to Be Aware of Both Partners’ Conflict Styles
Understanding both your own and your partner’s conflict styles is crucial for several reasons:
1. Enhances Communication
When you’re aware of each other’s conflict styles, you can tailor your communication approach to be more effective. For example, if you know your partner has an avoidant style, you might gently encourage open dialogue rather than pushing them to confront issues head-on.
2. Prevents Misunderstandings
Awareness of conflict styles can help prevent misunderstandings that arise when one partner misinterprets the other’s behavior. For example, a volatile partner might perceive an avoidant partner’s silence as indifference, while the avoidant partner may simply be trying to avoid escalation.
3. Improves Conflict Resolution
By understanding how each partner approaches conflict, you can develop strategies that play to both of your strengths. This might involve finding a balance between expressing emotions and maintaining calmness or knowing when to take a break and when to address issues directly.
4. Strengthens the Relationship
When both partners are aware of their conflict styles, they can work together to create a more harmonious relationship. This awareness fosters empathy, mutual respect, and a commitment to resolving conflicts in a way that strengthens the bond between them.
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle it can make a significant difference in the health and longevity of your partnership. By understanding your own conflict style—whether avoidant, volatile, or validating—and recognizing your partner’s style, you can improve communication, prevent misunderstandings, and work together more effectively to resolve disagreements.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, RMFTI
