Stonewalling In Relationships
What It Is, How It Affects Your Connection, and How to Respond
Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. It's how we express our love, resolve conflicts, and build a deeper connection with our partners. But what happens when one partner shuts down completely, refusing to engage in conversation or address issues? This behavior is known as stonewalling, and it can be incredibly damaging to a relationship. In this blog post, we’ll explore what stonewalling is, its effects on relationships, and how you can respond to it constructively.
What Is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, refusing to communicate or engage in a discussion. It can manifest as silence, monosyllabic responses, avoiding eye contact, or physically leaving the room during a conversation. While it might seem like a way to avoid conflict or keep the peace, stonewalling is actually a form of emotional disengagement and can lead to a breakdown in communication and connection.
Stonewalling is often a defense mechanism used to avoid uncomfortable emotions or situations. The stonewalling partner might feel overwhelmed, anxious, or frustrated and chooses to shut down rather than confront the issue. While it’s a common response to stress, especially during heated arguments, it can have severe consequences for the relationship.
The Effects of Stonewalling on Relationships
Stonewalling can have a significant impact on a relationship, leading to a range of negative outcomes:
1. Emotional Disconnection
When one partner consistently shuts down or withdraws from communication, it creates a barrier between the partners. Over time, this can lead to emotional disconnection, where both partners feel distant, unheard, and misunderstood. The emotional bond that holds the relationship together begins to weaken, making it difficult to maintain intimacy and trust.
2. Increased Conflict
Ironically, while stonewalling is often used to avoid conflict, it actually tends to escalate tensions. The partner who is being stonewalled may feel frustrated, rejected, or even angry, leading to more arguments and unresolved issues. The lack of communication prevents the couple from addressing and resolving their differences, leading to a buildup of resentment over time.
3. Erosion of Trust
Trust is a fundamental aspect of any relationship, and stonewalling can severely undermine it. When one partner consistently shuts down, the other may start to feel abandoned or unimportant. This erosion of trust can make it difficult for the couple to rebuild their connection and work through challenges together.
4. Negative Impact on Mental Health
Stonewalling can also have a negative impact on both partners’ mental health. The partner who stonewalls may experience feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety, while the partner who is being stonewalled may feel lonely, anxious, or depressed. Over time, this can create a toxic dynamic that is harmful to both individuals.
How to Respond to Stonewalling
If you recognize stonewalling in your relationship, it’s important to address it constructively. Here are some strategies for responding to stonewalling and working towards healthier communication:
1. Recognize the Signs
The first step in addressing stonewalling is recognizing when it’s happening. If you or your partner tends to shut down or withdraw during conversations, take note of the triggers and patterns that lead to this behavior. Awareness is the key to making positive changes.
2. Take a Break, Not a Shutdown
If a conversation becomes too overwhelming, it’s okay to take a break—but make it clear that it’s just a break and not a permanent shutdown. Say something like, "I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I need a few minutes to calm down. Can we continue this conversation in 10 minutes?" This approach allows both partners to cool off without completely disengaging.
3. Practice Self-Soothing Techniques
For the partner who tends to stonewall, practicing self-soothing techniques can be helpful. Deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises can help reduce feelings of overwhelm and make it easier to stay engaged in the conversation. Taking care of your own emotional state is crucial to avoiding the temptation to stonewall.
4. Use “I” Statements
When addressing stonewalling, use "I" statements to express how it makes you feel without blaming or criticizing your partner. For example, "I feel hurt and disconnected when we stop talking during a disagreement. Can we work on staying in the conversation even when it’s tough?" This approach invites collaboration rather than defensiveness.
5. Seek to Understand, Not to Win
Instead of trying to "win" an argument, focus on understanding your partner’s perspective. Ask open-ended questions, listen actively, and validate their feelings. When both partners feel heard and understood, the need for stonewalling decreases, and the conversation becomes more productive.
6. Rebuild Trust and Connection
If stonewalling has already caused damage to your relationship, it’s important to rebuild trust and connection. This might involve having open and honest conversations about how stonewalling has affected both partners, apologizing for past behavior, and making a commitment to change. Consider working with a therapist to develop healthier communication patterns and rebuild your relationship.
7. Consider Professional Help
If stonewalling is a recurring issue in your relationship, consider seeking professional help. A couples therapist can help both partners understand the underlying causes of stonewalling, learn new communication strategies, and work through any unresolved issues that may be contributing to the behavior.
Stonewalling is a common but destructive behavior that can have serious consequences for a relationship. By recognizing the signs of stonewalling, responding with empathy and understanding, and working together to develop healthier communication patterns, couples can overcome this challenge and build a stronger, more connected relationship.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, RMFTI
