Going to Bed Angry
Busting the Myth: Why It’s Okay for Couples to Go to Bed Angry
For decades, couples have been told, “Never go to bed angry.” This well-meaning advice has become a golden rule in relationships, urging partners to resolve conflicts before the day ends. While the idea of wrapping up every disagreement neatly before bed sounds good in theory, in practice, it often does more harm than good.
Here’s the truth: it’s okay—sometimes even beneficial—for couples to go to bed angry.
In this blog post, we’ll explore why the “never go to bed angry” myth doesn’t always hold up, how forcing resolution can backfire, and why giving yourself the gift of time can lead to healthier communication and stronger connection.
Why the Myth Exists
The advice to “never go to bed angry” likely stems from the idea that unresolved conflicts can fester overnight, turning into deeper resentment. The thinking goes: if you address the issue immediately, you’ll wake up with a clean slate.
But the reality of human emotions and relationships is far more complex. While some couples may find it helpful to hash things out before bedtime, others may feel pressured to force a resolution when they’re already emotionally drained. And that’s where this myth can falter.
Why It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry
Sometimes, going to bed angry isn’t a sign of a failing relationship—it’s a sign of emotional maturity. Here’s why:
1. Emotions Need Time to Settle
When you’re in the heat of an argument, your emotions can be overwhelming. Anger, frustration, and hurt can make it difficult to think clearly or communicate effectively. Taking time to cool off allows your brain and body to shift out of fight-or-flight mode and into a calmer, more rational state.
2. Sleep Restores Perspective
Sleep isn’t just restorative for the body—it’s essential for emotional regulation and cognitive clarity. Going to bed angry doesn’t mean you’re avoiding the issue; it means you’re giving yourself and your partner the chance to approach the conflict with fresh eyes and a clearer mind.
3. Forcing Resolution Can Backfire
Trying to resolve an argument before bed often leads to rushed or surface-level solutions. When you’re tired and emotionally raw, you’re more likely to say things you don’t mean or agree to something just to end the conversation. This can leave the issue unresolved or lead to more tension later.
4. Healthy Relationships Don’t Require Instant Fixes
Strong relationships are built on trust, not perfection. It’s okay for conflicts to take time to work through. Giving each other space shows that you respect the complexity of the issue and value finding a solution that truly works for both of you.
How to Go to Bed Angry the Right Way
Going to bed angry doesn’t mean storming off without a word or letting the conflict linger indefinitely. Here’s how to handle this approach in a way that fosters understanding and connection:
1. Acknowledge the Conflict
Before going to bed, acknowledge that there’s an unresolved issue and express your intention to revisit it. This reassures your partner that you’re not avoiding the conversation—you’re just taking a pause.
Example:
“I know we’re both upset right now. Let’s get some rest and talk about this tomorrow when we’re feeling calmer.”
2. Set a Time to Revisit the Conversation
Leaving a conflict open-ended can create anxiety. Agree on a specific time to discuss the issue, whether it’s the next morning or later in the day.
Example:
“Let’s sit down after breakfast tomorrow and work through this together.”
3. Avoid Stewing in Resentment
While taking time to cool off is helpful, it’s important to use that time productively. Reflect on your emotions, consider your partner’s perspective, and think about how to approach the conversation constructively.
4. Focus on Repair, Not Winning
When you revisit the conversation, prioritize repairing the relationship rather than proving who’s right or wrong. Approach your partner with empathy and a willingness to listen.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Imagine this scenario:
You and your partner are arguing about finances late at night. Both of you are tired, and the conversation is escalating. Instead of forcing a resolution, you pause and say, “This is important, but we’re not in the best place to talk about it right now. Let’s revisit this tomorrow.”
The next morning, after a good night’s sleep, you both feel calmer and better equipped to have a productive conversation. Because you took time to reflect, you approach the discussion with clarity, empathy, and a shared goal of finding a solution that works for both of you.
The Benefits of Pausing
By allowing yourselves time to cool off and reset, you gain:
Emotional Clarity: You’re better able to articulate your feelings and needs.
Constructive Communication: Conversations become less reactive and more solution-focused.
A Stronger Bond: Taking a pause shows mutual respect and reinforces that your relationship is more important than winning an argument.
When to Address the Conflict Before Bed
While it’s often okay to go to bed angry, there are times when addressing the issue before sleeping may be helpful. These include:
When the conflict involves a time-sensitive decision.
When one partner feels particularly distressed or vulnerable.
When there’s been a significant breach of trust that needs immediate acknowledgment.
In these cases, focus on addressing the emotional impact of the conflict rather than rushing into problem-solving.
The idea that couples should never go to bed angry is well-meaning but outdated. Sometimes, the most loving and respectful thing you can do is hit pause, get some rest, and revisit the conversation with a clearer head.
Healthy relationships aren’t about resolving every conflict immediately—they’re about navigating challenges with patience, empathy, and care. So the next time you find yourselves in a late-night disagreement, remember: it’s okay to go to bed angry. The important thing is that you wake up ready to work together toward understanding and resolution.
As a couples therapist based in Lakeland, Florida, I offer personalized counseling services to help couples strengthen their relationships. If you feel that professional help could benefit your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out! If you're looking for something more personalized, I invite you to contact me for a consultation or book a session. Together, we can work towards building a more intentional and fulfilling relationship.
Written By: Crystin Nichols MS, RMFTI
